Anyway
by CalvinWinchester97
Summary: I know every other person has done one of these, but I'd like to believe mine in different. Please give it a chance? Sad first chapter, but gets better, I swear : VERY MILD SMUT IN CHAPTER 1! Bade, side of Tandre, maybe some Cabbie?
1. Vodka Lullabies

Rest assured that I know I have absolutely no business starting ANOTHER story while I haven't updated my other stories in FOREVER. However, I just can't help myself. This chapter is exceedingly sad, but I promise you they will get happier :) I'll be trying out some new POVs (Tori, Andre, Cat, maybe Robbie). So I hope you enjoy Beck's mental breakdown :) PLEASE REVIEW!

Italics are flashbacks, btw :)

Disclaimer: I swear I don't even own the shirt I'm wearing

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><p>I played three rounds of Poker at Tori's. I told myself it was because I was free to do whatever I wanted now that I was single, but I knew the truth was that I can just barely stand to be in the RV anymore. Every single fucking thing in it reminds me of Jade. It's deafening. <em>Suffocating<em>.

There are pictures of her-of us- everywhere. On the walls, the bookshelf, the mirror. But it's not just _pictures _of Jade that decorate, oh no. The walls contain the dents and blemishes of various beatings Jade's given them in the past. The shelves hold books of hers. Edgar Allan Poe, Jack Ketchum, Stephen King, Peter Straub. And then the surprising ones, like W.H. Auden ("He shares my love of sarcasm, Beckett, don't judge."), Sylvia Plath ("Are you kidding me? She killed herself! She's morbid in ways I love."), and all the other spines that have become familiar.

The bathroom drawers still hold things of hers, and I know that some of her clothes are still around too. In the dresser, under the bed (who the hell even knows?), strewn around the parts of the RV I haven't bothered to clean up since before she dumped me.

And her essence- oh God the way she smells- is hanging in the air, suffocating me. Coffee and vanilla, slowly killing me. Everything seems to be congregating and deciding to torture me.

I look briefly at the bed before closing my eyes, letting myself remember at least a little.

_The two of us together in bed. My sweat and not hers. Every part of our bodies intertwined, both of us experiencing that feeling of 'sosoclose' and I hope this lasts as long as possible'. It's a mystery how the torture and the ecstasy are both present, creating this new, unnamed feeling._

_Her sharp nails dig long red lines down my back, and damn if her half-lidded eyes and stifled moan aren't mind-blowingly sexy. She bites into her lower lip, so I ease down to kiss her, quieting the moans for her because I can't stand to see the blood spring under the pressure of her teeth like it has before. We finish each other off- Jade with a loud scream I want to hear so badly I don't muffle. I don't care who hears us. _

"_You okay, Jadey?" I ask after I've pulled out and collapsed beside her, pulling her to me._

_This is all kind of new to us, and I'm still afraid of hurting her. _

"_Sex makes me sleepy." She says in reply. _

_I chuckle and kiss her hair. "Fall asleep, babe. I'll be right here."_

_She snuggles closer, even thought I never thought I'd use the word 'snuggle' in relation to Jade. She nestles her head in the crook of my neck and sighs contentedly. "Well yeah. You aren't planning on leaving me ever, right?"_

_There's only the slightest hint of sarcasm in it, because she really does believe that nothing lasts forever. But I want to quell her fears. I want to prove her wrong. _

"_Hell no. I'm all yours."_

I'm all yours. I'm all yours. I'm all yours.

I hadn't realized I'd fallen asleep until I opened my eyes, glancing at the clock to see two hours had passed. But the words still haunt me.

Hell no. I'm all yours.

I'm not leaving.

Jade, would you relax? I love you, we're not breaking up.

Seriously, Jade, when will you get it through your head that I not leaving?

I'm a liar.

I can't believe I said all those things just to go back on them. I've proved to her what she'd believed all along. I'd always said she was wrong, that I was different. But I guess I wasn't.

"_All men are dicks at least sometimes."_

"_Yeah? What about me?"_

_Jade stops walking to scrutinize me. "I just haven't seen enough of you yet."_

If there's one thing I've learned through all the divorces in my family, it's that you should always stick around. "Slamming the door," My grandma always told me when I told her about the fights Jade and I had. "Or letting her, is never going to make anything better. Stick around. Everything will look better in the morning."

And now I get it. I did exactly the opposite. I let her slam the door. Granted, it wasn't ours, but the principle is the same.

Why didn't I open the door?

All the emotion builds up, and all I can do now is hurl things at the walls, breaking glass and everything else in my path. Nothing is safe from being tossed around, making the RV shake with the heavier items. And I'm so preoccupied with my task of being completely stupid that I don't notice the tears until I've broken half the (admittedly scarce) dishes in my tiny kitchen.

By now, they're streaming down my face, and I try to remember the last time I cried, but I can't. When I finally stop, let my arms fall uselessly to my sides, I sink to the ground, just as you'd expect I would. This is what happens in all the movies right? I helplessly continue the cliché, and grab the bottle of Vodka under the sink, thankful I hadn't thrown it.

I pop the cork out with my teeth and take a gulp of it, because I'd rather not feel anything right now. I'd rather not consider the fact that Jade's dad could be smacking her around right now, or that she could be putting a razor blade to her pale arms as I sit here so pathetically. I'm being ridiculous, really. Maybe if I had the guts, I'd be at her house, or calling her, making sure everything was alright whether she hated me or not. It would sure as Wisconsin be more helpful then me sitting here breaking laws.

_Gulp. _

And yet, I just bring the bottle to my lips again, no help to anyone. Just like I used to accuse her of pretty often.

_Gulp._

I wish I wasn't wondering if she's in a bar right now, getting hit on by some low-life. It's easier not to constantly be reminded that she's not mine to worry about anymore. Because I didn't open the door.

_Gulp. _

"I'm sorry, Jade. I'm sorry."

_Gulp._

I'm sorry.

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><p>Well that was depressing. But I promise it will get better :)<p> 


	2. Three Little Words

Hello :) Look who's being responsible and updating in a reasonably timely manner! ME! WHOOO HOOOO! Thank you all for your lovely, lovely reviews :) You're all amazing! If you have any questions or just want to talk, feel free to message me :).

Anyway (Haha, no pun intended), this is kinda short, but I'm actually pretty happy with it. Sorry it's still sad, but some other characters are coming into play very soon, and that should lighten the mood at least some.

Disclaimer: Things I wish I owned: A cup of coffee, Victorious, and a fish. If I owned those things, Beck and Jade would be together, the show would probably have to move stations because I'm not the most g-rated person (just keep those laughs to yourselves! :P jk, y'all know I'm perverted), I wouldn't be so tired, and I would have awesome fish companionship and my friends would be jealous :)

Oh, and btw, Both last chapter and this one are the same day as The Worst Couple. Enjoy. REVIEW!

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><p>"Ah Jade. I didn't know you had tear ducts." Really, it's a surprise that my father even looks up from his newspaper to speak to me.<p>

And we should all know by now that this is actually kind of nice of him. It's his own "Baby, why are you crying?" In some twisted way. Although no one but Beck has ever said that to me in my life.

And Dad doesn't really want to know, he just want to acknowledge it. I suppose it helps his conscience. If he in fact has one, which is doubtful.

"It's a shock, isn't it?" I reply, pulling off my combat boots and leave them by the door.

It's the only place I'll ever be able to set them down and remember where they are in this giant-ass house. "Sweetie, you're crying!"

"Yeah, no chiz Mom,"

This is where Beck would've told me to be nice to her, if he were here. "She's reaching out to you, Jade, being kind." He'd tell me. "Return the favor." I tell the little Beck in my head to shut his face.

"What happened?" She asks, obviously deciding to ignore my bitchiness.

This is, again, nice of her, because I have a headache that I'd rather not scream through.

"I dumped Beck." I say simply, heading for the stairs.

"Wait, Jade! Why would you break up with-"

There's something you have to understand about Mom. She _loves _Beck. Probably more than she loves me or my dad (but let's be honest, does anyone love my dad?). She thinks he's a great influence on me, but besides that, I think she just likes how calm he is. Was. Whatever, don't bother me with verb tense right now.

"Mom, let's just let it go until morning, okay?" I'm fairly pleading, which makes my mother's eyes go wide. Because I rarely even _ask, _much less plead. So she just nods, a confused look on her face, and goes back to the kitchen.

When I get to my room, I just collapse into my bed, not bothering to change or even try to keep the tears inside.

_I'm only half awake. I lay on my back, eyes still closed, not wanting to surrender themselves to whatever light is streaming into the RV this early in the morning. I listen to Beck's steady breathing for a minute before I feel him nuzzle his nose into my neck, lightly kissing my shoulder. _

_Cuddle-prone little bastard that he is, he inches even closer, kissing his way up my neck, to my jawbone, to my ear. "Good morning, Beautiful." He whispers. _

"_Honestly, you couldn't get any cheesier." I reply, but he's just too damn irresistible not to turn and let my arms encircle his waist to tug him closer. _

_His skin feels warm on mine, and his hair tickles my face as he kisses my forehead. "You know you love it."_

"_Oh yeah? How do you know that?"_

"_Because." He states as if I should've known. "Everyone loves cheese."_

_Yeah, he says things like that. "Lactose intolerant people don't."_

"_Lactose intolerant people do, actually. They just can't eat it." He grins, because he knows. _

_I stick my tongue out, because I know too. He won. It's not like I'm going to admit that, though. _

"_Beck?" I say after a moment of comfortable silence. _

"_Yeah?"_

_Maybe I meant to say 'I love you'- I had been thinking it. But instead I just settle on "Who's the sick person who decided school should start happening early in the morning?"_

_He laughs. "Still tired?"_

"_Well yeah," He's back to my neck, combing with the out-of-it feeling of just waking up to make it difficult to form a coherent sentence. "You kept me up all night."_

_I feel him smile against my collar bone. "You complaining?"_

"_No, what makes you think that?"_

I wake up with the tears already streaking my face. But there's no Beck beside me in bed. No one to hold me before breaking the news that it's morning and I have to get up.

He'd told me he loved me after that. It wasn't the first time, but he'd just said it, out of the blue. It was beautiful, sexy with that hoarse morning voice of his, and blessedly unsolicited.

But that voice only lives in my memory, because every dream I've had of us together always ends before the 'I love you'. Perhaps it's because he doesn't anymore.

And I lay here and wonder why I let those words die on my lips. Why I hadn't I said them? He knew I loved him-still love him-but why couldn't I have affirmed it more often?

If he loved hearing the words as much as I did, it wouldn't have been so much of a sacrifice to say them for him. Because I do love him. Then and now.

Maybe if he was more sure of that, he would've opened the door.

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><p>REVIEW! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE!<p>

It's my birthday in two days! Give me lots of reviews for my birthday! Thanks :)

Much Love,

Calvin Munro


	3. Clueless Mangoes

Hola! Well, I'm officially fifteen! Thank you all for your lovely reviews and birthday wishes :) Here is a bit of a lighter chapter. Andre and Tori make an appearance to make it less intense. PLEASE REVIEW!

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><p>"Beck? Hey, I can't- Whoa! What the Hell man?"<p>

I was vaguely aware of Andre pounding on my door, and now of him inside. Close and entirely too loud.

"Dude! Hey, are you okay? Tori!"

I open my eyes just a fraction to see him standing above me, looking alarmed. I raise a shaky finger to my lips. "Shhh," I murmur.

Tori runs in, taking the three steps in two. "What's wrong?" She takes one glance at my current pitiable state and gasps. "Beck, what happened?"

They both survey the damage of last night's freak out. The broken glass, the books lying open or ripped, the cast iron rooster dislodged. I can see how distressing it would look had I not been the one who caused it.

Andre crouches beside me. "Seriously, man. What the fuck?"

I can't really form a sentence right now. The pounding in my head is louder than anything I've ever heard in my life. And all of my best friend's screaming isn't helping. "Dude…" I whisper. "Shhh."

I let my eyes slide closed again. "Oh chiz." I hear him say, worry draining from his voice. "You have to be kidding me."

"What? I'm so confused. What happened?"

Oh Tori, you really aren't all that smart. Pretty? Yes. Talented? Of course. Sweet? Too much if you ask Jade. But intelligent? Not so much.

"He's shitfaced drunk." I listen to him stand up.

"Technically," Oh geez it is so hard to talk. "I'm hung over."

Andre scoffs.

"Shitfaced drunk," I continue. "Was last night's activity."

"You break all this crap yourself?"

"Wait," Tori interjects. "You got drunk, Beck?"

Yes, Tori, policeman's daughter. I downed an entire bottle of Vodka in an hour last night. Now kindly stop SCREAMING and maybe you could refrain from mentioning this to your dad?

It would take _way _too much effort for me to say that. "Yup." I say instead, because I did in fact both "get drunk" and "break all that crap myself".

"You're a freakin' idiot." Andre tells me.

Don't you think I know that? "Thanks, man."

He grabs my arm and yanks me to my feet. "C'mon moron, let's go."

I have to open my eyes a little again while he drags me to the bed and lets me drop onto it. I close them again and lay my hands over my ears to block out the noise of my friends rifling through my cabinets. I'm fairly certain he's being so loud on purpose, but it's difficult to discern much of anything when I'm this hung over.

Tori kneels in front of me. "I can't believe you're drunk." She says, handing me two Ibuprofen and a glass of water.

I don't bother correcting her.

"Is this about Jade?" She asks gently, her brown eyes going soft like I'm a homeless orphan.

I nod silently, because I don't think she really wants to know my thoughts of late. I don't really want to know them either.

"Hey Tori, would you mind waiting outside while I scream at my idiot best friend?" Andre quires, not being sarcastic in the least.

And he has every right to be mad. When Andre was a kid, his dad was an alcoholic. Mr. Harris would beat the chiz out of Andre and Mrs. Harris. Andre knows _exactly _what drinking does to people, and he's never touched a drop.

I'm the worst best friend in the world to get drunk and let him find me. I've never hit much of anything in my life, much less a person. But the principle of the thing is still present.

"You are absolutely stupid, Oliver."

"I know." I run a hand through my hair, not looking him in the eyes. Because he's right. This really was incredible asinine.

"I can't believe you got smashed in your parents driveway over a _girl_. In _high school_."

"I know." I repeat. "It was a lapse in judgment."

"Damn right it was."

I stare at him for a long minute. He really is pissed. "Look man," He finally speaks. "I know you love Jade, but do you honestly think getting wasted's gonna make her come back?"

"Andre, she…" I take a deep breath, and this time it's not the Vodka that makes it hard to talk. "Who knows what's going on? I mean, none of us knew about her dad until I found out after we started dating. I feel like I abandoned her."

"Yeah, but Jade's a big girl. She can take care of herself; we all know that."

He can only say that because he's never seen Jade cry. He's never seen her completely vulnerable. And once you do, it radically changes the way you see her.

Yeah, she can definitely take care of herself on the outside, but there's a battle raging in her head. Blades and fights and eating or not eating and staying or running away are always present. Those are the kinds of demons she needs help with.

"I'm still worried." I say, because he doesn't need to know Jade's secrets.

"Did you ever think to maybe, oh I don't know, ask her if she was okay?" He picks up a mango from the card table in my 'kitchen'. "I mean, it's not like she has a restraining order against you."

Mangoes are Jade's thing. She loves them. Andre didn't ask, but if he had, I would've told him to eat it. As fast as possible.

"Actually I wouldn't be surprised if she did." Because we all know she would, just to piss me off. "And besides, do you really think she'd tell me the truth?"

I cover my eyes with my hand. It's too early and too bright to be thinking so deeply.

"Then go over to her house." He pulls a pocket knife off of his keychain and starts peeling the mango. "Watch and see what happens."

"You want me to stalk my ex-girlfriend?" It comes out just a little less than a whine.

Andre shrugs. "Works for Sinjin."

I run my hand through my hair again. Do I really do that all the time? Because it seems like I've done it a lot in the last ten minutes. "Sinjin," I yawn. "Gets coffee poured down his pants four times a week."

"Ah, but as I recall, so did you once upon a time." My best friend points his greenish-yellow fruit at me.

"Yeah, but-" I start, but he cuts me off.

"And what did you say when that happened last time?"

"_Dude! Stop asking! I am NOT going on a date with you!"_

"_Why not?" I almost have to jog to keep up with her. _

"_Because I hate you."_

_She stopped at her locker, so I lean against the one beside it. "No you don't."_

_Jade reels backward out of her locker. "I don't, huh?" She asks in that 'I can't wait to hear this' voice._

"_Nope."_

_That's when she reaches for my pants and dumps her entire cup of coffee down them. HOLY SHIT! It hurts, and I drop to my knees, trying not to scream as a satisfied smile crosses Jade's face. "Okay," I breathe deeply, attempting to make it go away. "Okay. You've got me on my knees. Please, please, please, just one date."_

_She stares at me incredulously. "Why don't you just give up?"_

_I shrug. "Because I like you."_

_She leans closer. "Haven't you heard? I'm a bitch." She straightens again. "I'm only going to break your heart. _

_I grab her hand before she can walk away, and surprisingly, she lets it stay there in mine. It's a pleasant surprise, unlike the coffee in my pants, which was SCORTCHING by the way. I look up at her, and wait until she meets my gaze. _

"'It would be pleasure to have my heart broken by you, Jade West.'" Andre mimics.

I can't help but smile just a little bit, because it's one of my favorite memories. Even if that coffee did hurt like hell.

"I love her." I say, glancing up at him.

"She hates you."

"Thank you, Captain Obvious."

He grins. "Don't you mean Katherine Obvious?"

I groan. "Oh God, how long have you been waiting to say that?"

He takes a triumphant bite of his now-peeled mango. "Ever since I got cool that day."

I shake my head at him, even though he really did improve my mood a little.

"So what now?" He questions, serious again.

I shrug. "I don't know. I had my painfully cliché blowout last night, so it can only get better from here, right?"

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><p>There you have it :) PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW! You have no idea how happy they make me :)<p>

Much Love,

Calvin Munro


	4. Should've Would've Could've

Hey everyone! Sorry for the wait, but here it is!

Disclaimer: I don't own it... sniff sniff... If I did they wouldn't have broken up

**Do you guys want me to do a contest? If yes, READ THE ****IMPORTANT AN AT THE BOTTOM!**

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><p>I should've just done it. I should've just pushed past all the inhibitions and what-ifs and went with the instinct. Yeah, maybe she would've been mad at me, but if nothing else, my conscience would be clearer. It would've been easy. I could've just run forward and grabbed her; wrapped my arms around her and covered her head. I didn't though.<p>

Could've.

Woud've.

Should've.

But didn't.

Instead I grabbed Cat, dragging her into the hallways and covered _her _head. It wasn't a totally bad decision, because let's face it, Cat needs someone to look after her twenty-four seven. It's just that she wasn't the one I wanted to be protecting.

Jade probably would've hated me for it even more than she already did, since I had been 'officially dumped' as the one text she returned informed me. And she maybe she would've been right. I didn't have the right to be her protector anymore. Because I didn't open the door.

But it still eats at me that I just let her fend for herself like that.

"You okay?" I asked timidly after the whole ordeal was over. I reached a hand out to touch her, but quickly retracted it. I had to keep reminding myself every second: she wasn't mine anymore.

"I'm fine." Her voice cut like razor blades in her skin. "Why do you care?" she turned on her heel and headed out the door. "Cat, if you want me to drive you home, you had better get in the car _now_."

I felt like reaching out again, seizing her hand and telling her I loved her. I would've begged for her forgiveness had I had one less measure of self-control. Looking back, there wasn't much I wouldn't have done in that moment, had I possessed the guts.

"Thanks, Becky." Cat brought me back, kissing my cheek.

"Sure thing, Red."

She offered me a smile. "Don't worry, Becky. She loves you."

She does? I wanted to scream. Just the possibility that she didn't hate me was cause for elation. "_Loved, _Cat." I said instead. "Past tense. She doesn't love me anymore."

Cat opened her mouth to respond to this, but as she did, Jade honked her horn and screamed a sound-barrier-breaking "CAT!"

The little redhead shrieked and ran out the door. But me? It was Robbie who finally just grabbed me by the arm and pulled me out to the car.

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><p>So, yeah, um, I kind of am stalking her Slap page. I know, it's tragically pathetic, but I can't help it. Although, it would be tons easier to perform the creepy stalker role if half the comments on her page were not guys (and a few girls too) asking her out and making all kinds of offers. Some of which give the intense desire to kick some Hollywood-Arts-male-student-population ass.<p>

I wonder if they actually know how to _do _some of that shit. I mean is it even possible to-

No. Absolutely not. We are _not _thinking about that.

Especially because Jade could be out fucking any of them right now while I sit here pathetically internet stalking her-

SHUT UP, BECK!

Great. Now I'm talking to myself. Sweet Baby Jesus, save me.

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><p>Jade<p>

Can you get arrested for internet stalking your ex-boyfriend? I hope so. American jail isn't half as bad as Yerbian jail.

Although there's no Beck to bail me out of American jail anymore.

I sit cross-legged on my bed, thinking about what I'd be doing right now if I hadn't dumped Beck It's terrible, really. I'm single. I should be out having fun. Hooking up with anyone I want, because I can. It's not like there's a shortage of candidates.

I haven't counted, but ten-plus guys have probably left phone numbers alongside offers of all kinds. Some of them disgusting. Well, most of them disgusting.

But not because these guys (and a few girls) aren't hot (I don't play for that team, but I won't deny that they're good looking), because they are. It's just… are you ready for the most wretched thing ever? Okay, good.

Beck's done a few of these things, and let me tell you, they were amazing. I didn't mind in the least, and it was absolutely hot, because it was him. But now, hearing this from all the other guys, it's disgusting, because they're not Beck.

Something's wrong with me. Because he's the only one who can make me feel like that. And no matter how many guys I sleep with, I'm pretty sure he's the only one able to make me feel like everything's okay.

I don't think I'm talking about sex anymore.

I click over to Beck's Slap page, reading the latest posts. I bet you can guess what I find.

All girls.

Most with digits.

All borderline begging.

All willing to do things I can't anymore.

Sort of like my page, but girls, and more pleading and desperation. If you don't know I'm pissed now, you're an idiot. But at least I don't feel guilty anymore. Because Beck's probably hooking up with at least one of them right now. And if he is, then so should I.

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><p>Beck<p>

This is stupid. Sitting here alone while she's most likely out there somewhere with one (or more) of those douche bags. I should be out too, having fun.

Because if she can, then I can too.

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><p>Ok, PLEASE REVIEW AND YOU WILL BE MY FAVORITE PERSON!<p>

**So I just started Driver's Ed, so I'd love to hear any stories or tips you guys have! I thought I'd make it a contest because I've never done one of those. So, best Driver's Ed story gets a cameo appearance or a OC in either this story, one of my others, or a stand alone oneshot outside of In the Dark. Sound like fun? Let me know if y'all want a contest!**


	5. Party Like A Rockstar

So, hi. I'm actually updating in a timely fashion. Aren't you all proud of me? :) Anyway, I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE READING THIS! SO IF YOU READ PLEASE REVIEW! EVEN IF IT'S JUST ONE WORD!

Disclaimer: So yesterday I hopped in my Charger and drove down to LA. When I ran into Dan Schneider at a major movie premier (He was standing next to Avan Jogia, with whom I had a one night stand, btw) and I asked him to sign over the rights to Victorious for three dollars in change and a pick from my pocket. HE SAID YES! So now, although I own Victorious, I am still writing crappy fanfiction on a website!

(Just in case you're very Sheldon-like, that **was indeed sarcasm** :)

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><p>I called Alyssa Vaughn.<p>

That was, in all probability, a stupid move, because Alyssa is just a little too willing to be more than friends and I'm just a little too willing to do anything to get my mind off of Jade. But hey, it's done, and there's no going back now.

This house is enormous. It sits on a hill, making its absurd height even more noticeable than it would've been had it been at the bottom of this hill instead of on top of it. Lights are everywhere outside, and when I drive into the semicircle driveway, I notice there's even a fountain in the middle of it.

The inside is just as impressive. Ceilings so high they look like they belong in a palace, perfectly-and most likely expensively- decorated, furniture that will probably be ruined by all the drunk high schoolers before an hour's past. I'd bet Emily's parents aren't going to be happy with her when they get back from New York or wherever they are this week.

"Hey, Beck!"

I spot her sitting on a bright white couch near the center of the room, and offer her a somewhat fake smile in return. "Hey Alyssa."

The blond looks around the party dubiously and the smile slides off her flawless face. "Is this…" She pauses. "Is your girlfriend going to be okay with this?" The slight fear in her voice makes me want to laugh.

Jade's still involved in every aspect of my life even when she's avoiding me like the plague.

"Actually, Jade dumped me." I tell Alyssa, dropping into the chair across the table from her. "Again."

"Oh." She says quietly. "I'm sorry, Beck." And the thing is that she really does look genuinely sorry, which is a nice change. (Mom: She really dumped you, sweetheart? Oh my God! JAMES! OUR SON BROKE UP WITH THAT GIRL!)

"Don't be." I say, because that's what everyone wants to hear. "We were bad for each other." Because no one likes the guy who's obsessed with his Sadist ex-girlfriend.

Alyssa nods, but then adds "I know you loved her."

_Loved. _More past tense. I still love her, though. Even if I can't handle her. Of won't. Or you know, whatever.

And the build up of just nodding and agreeing with everything finally gets to me. I look her straight in the eyes and tell the truth. "I love her. I'm just not sure she loves me anymore."

The socialite reaches across the table and takes my hand, pulling me up with her. "Come on, we need drinks."

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><p>Jade<p>

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><p>"Cat, get that giraffe off your head."<p>

"But JADEY!"

I swear I will never understand why she's my best friend. Or that I invited her to go along on this adventure with me. This is officially named the Jade Parties Like a Rockstar and Forgets About Her Boyfriend Adventure. Patent pending. I posted a status on my Slap page saying I was going to Emily Morgan's party in the hills and extended the invitation to all the guys who posted chiz on my page. Except for Robbie, Rex, and Sinjin. I was PAINFULLY clear about that.

"Hey! JADE! You CAME!"

"Do you always yell every other word?" I ask him.

I think his name is Ben, but I can't be sure. I'm fairly certain he was one of the guys who left a comment on my Slap page, though. He obviously knows me.

He grins. "Not ALWAYS!"

I give him a pity chuckle and shake my head. "Want a drink?" He asks.

Yes. Drinking. "Sounds good."

But as he leaves to go grab be a red plastic Solo cup of whatever crappy alcohol Emily financed, I feel my stomach revolt again, like it has been doing all night. Of course. My first night of being single and free to party it up and I get sick.

Or maybe it's just guilt form scoping out which guy would be the least disgusting to hook up with.

* * *

><p>Beck<p>

* * *

><p>Turns out, I'm not all that bad at beer pong. Though I'm not exactly sure that's an accomplishment. But the buzz I've got is nice.<p>

In passing, I briefly remember how pissed Andre was last week. But last week I was totally and completely smashed. This week I'm only slightly intoxicated.

And before your mind runs away with you and you think this story will progress into me being an alcoholic, let me set you straight. The Vodka was stupid. Beer Pong is stupid. I don't need _that _much help getting over Jade.

Mostly because I'll never get over her. I'll just get better at hiding it and living without her. But also because I'm not intoxicated by the beer- I only had a few sips. It's the deafening party, the absence of Jade, and the all-too-acute presence of a need for her.

"Beck! You are so awesome! Beer Pong champion! My date!"

Alyssa, on the other hand, is indeed wasted. It crosses my mind that I should probably be worried about paparazzi showing up and getting photos of a drunk her and a not-drunk me responsible for her. How is it that I'm often responsible for drunk girls?

I give her a smile she's too far gone to recognize as insincere. "Alyssa," I begin, but as I open my mouth, she sort of slumps into my arms.

"I wish you didn't love her." She murmurs.

Crap. A drunk, crushing Alyssa. She's just making it too easy. "Hey, why don't I take you home?" I start leading/dragging her to the door.

"NO!" She yells, suddenly coming to some sort of coherence. "I told my parents I would be at a friend's house all night." She stops to take a breath, a look of concentration on her face as if it's hard to remember what she's talking about. "If I…" She's confused for a second, but recovers enough to continue. "Go home, like, ya know, this…" She gestures to herself. "They'll be soooo mad."

Alyssa collapses against me again. "I'm just gonna sleep, okay Becky?"

I wish the words didn't bring back yet another Jade-memory.

As I tuck Alyssa into one of Emily's spare bedrooms, placing her phone and purse beside her and a trash can next to the bed for the hellish wake-up she'll have, I have no choice but to let the recollection run its course.

_It's just after midnight when she stumbles in, muttering something I can't hear and tossing her bag on the floor. "Beck!" She calls out. "Wake up!"_

"_Jade?" I sit up in bed. "What's wrong?"_

_She staggers over to the bed and falls onto it. "I'm smashed." She announces._

_I can't stop a smile from crossing my face. "No kidding, babe." I crawl over to the edge of the bed and sit beside her. "Wanna tell me why?"_

_Jade lets her head drop onto my shoulder, a defeated sigh escaping her. "Same old thing. Parents. Fighting. Throwing things." She counts off each reason with a fling of her arm; almost like a conductor leading his musicians in a tragic symphony. "A smack or two. Maybe three. I lost count."_

_I hate the way she says it so nonchalantly. Like it's fully acceptable for her dad to throw things and smack her. According to Jade, he only throws things when he gets really, really drunk and really, really mad. Which happens way more often then I'd like. _

_I'd like for it not to happen at all. _

_I kiss the top of her head and stretch an arm around her shoulders. "Are you okay, baby? Bruises or cuts?" I'm trying to make it sound like this isn't an occurrence we can accept. Like cleaning and bandaging cuts isn't we've had to do before._

_She wrenches up her sleeve. "Just mine." She sounds a little like Cat, but the bounce in Jade's voice isn't happy. _

_I stare down at the red razor marks on her arms, Jade's frustration and all the pain she keeps inside taken out on her pale skin. It's not like I'm surprised; like I didn't notice all the long sleeve shirts she's always tugging farther down her wrists. But the lack of shock doesn't make the assurance of suspicions hurt any less. _

"_Jadey," I start, but I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say next._

_She takes the opportunity away from me though. "I didn't come here because I wanted to talk. I came because I didn't wanna be alone anymore." She snuggles into me, her head dropping off my shoulder and into my lap. "You make me feel safe."_

"_I wish I could make sure you were safe." I say more to myself than to her. "All the time."_

_My girlfriend scoffs. "Nobody's secure all the time, Beckett." She says it without slurring a word, and it scares me how this really is her being honest. _

_All the pain's become normal, and I hate it. "True," I concede. "But you could be protected most of the time."_

_She shrugs, obviously done talking about it. "I wanna fuck," She informs me after a moment. _

_I chuckle, playing with her hair. "You're drunk, babe."_

"_I know that." She replies indignantly. _

_I like to think that I'm a gentleman. Or at least a decent guy. And doing your recently-abused-by-her-dad, inebriated girlfriend does not fall under the decency category in my book. _

"_I'm just gonna sleep, okay Becky?" Jade decides just seconds later, the lack of rest and the alcohol catching up with her. _

"_Alright, baby." I rub a circle into her shoulder. "Goodnight."_

_She kisses my knee gently. "I love you." She whispers. _

"_I love you too."_

_After her breathing regulates, I'm tucking her into bed, placing a trashcan by the bed and laying down on her other side. And as I wrap my arms around her waist, I just wish that she could say it as easily sober as she did drunk._

* * *

><p>Jade<p>

* * *

><p>So, remember that plan? The plan where I party like a rockstar and get drunk and have the moves like Jagger and hook up with a random dude out of spite against Beck? Good, because if you didn't, you're an idiot. Anyway, that plan is now down the drain with the barf I just violently expelled from my body into the sink, bathtub and toilet of Emily Morgan's stupid-huge bathroom. What? I never said I could aim well.<p>

This is _horrible. _I've told you guys how much I hate throwing up, right? Well, I _hate _it.

Especially in some acquaintance's ludicrously-sized house, sitting on the floor of a bathroom that looks like it's never even used, much less up-chucked into.

"Jadey? Are you okay?" Cat knocks on the door.

"No," I moan back.

Somehow, she gets the door unlocked and slides her back down the wall to sit beside me. For once, she is silent as she pulls my hair away from my face and ties it with a ponytail holder from her wrist. "I hate throwing up." I enlighten her. "And parties."

We both lean back against the brown stone wall (I know, right?). "Someone stole Mr. Purples." Cat whimpers.

I glance over at her, indeed, giraffe-less. She looks so much like a five year old I find it in me to give her an "I'm sorry, Kitty Cat."

"Can we go home now?"

"Absolutely." I cough, hoping nothing else comes up. "As long as you drive."

"Okay!" She agrees brightly, jumping up to offer me some help in standing. "I like driving!"

It occurs to me that I may be endangering my life. And this thought is chased by another that I'd rather not acknowledge. The thought that maybe if I hadn't been a less-than-stellar girlfriend, it would be Beck holding my hair back. Beck that would be helping me out to the car and driving me home. Maybe it would've been Beck who was kissing my hand and saying that everything's going to be okay.

"It will be, Jadey!" Cat insists, and I don't even care that she hugs me before unlocking the passenger side door.

* * *

><p>AGAIN! I AM SHAMELESSLY BEGGING FOR REVIEWS!<p>

Alright, I'm done now. Wish me luck, I have another Driver's Ed test tonight :)

Much Love,

Calvin Munro


	6. Graveyards Are For Decisions

Hello, loves. It has been brought to my attention that I am a horrible, sadistic overlord who has abandoned her story and her faultless readers. The following review was sent to me by a person known to me only as atypeoftangerine:

Wanna hear a story?  
>fantab.<br>okay, onceuponatime, there was a lovely, lovely, LOVELY story on , kay? Only the totes depressing thing is it just ended. it was never updated past chapter five. It was the perfect story, too, post-TWC and showing the sides of Beck that a CERTAIN reader loooooves. So the "certain reader" wrote a review begging for an update, and they did even though they hadn't written in years and they alllivedhappilyeverafter! The end.  
>I should start writing. That was a beautiful story that I just described. Exactly the sort of thing we all wish was real, RIGHT? Right. :)<p>

Was that not just amazing? Anyway, (hahah I crack me up) I have been shamed to my core, and even though i have not written Bade in at least a year, and it's been longer for this story, I made an exception for this lovely person. It's not much, but here's something to hold you over until I figure out just what the fuck to do with this thing.

* * *

><p>I call Alyssa's friend Michaela before I leave the Morgans. She promises she'll come and stay with Alyssa, which makes me feel like less of an ass for leaving her when I invited her here in the first place. Less of one, mind you; it doesn't solve all of my behavioral issues. But I know Michaela will help her get home, and it eases my conscience enough to let me climb into the car and take off.<p>

Hollywood looks different at night. The sundresses-clad actresses and their board-shorts-encased counterparts have all transformed into the glittery creatures prowling around the clubs and bars now. The lights are so bright it's almost as if the sun hadn't bothered to go down. I feel a little cheated- I had been hoping for some darkness to match my mood.

When I end up pulling into a graveyard at the edge of town, I'm not exactly surprised. With a head full of Jade, it's a wonder I took so long to get here. She liked coming here to think. She says all important decisions should be made sitting in a graveyard because it puts things in perspective. And I have quite a few things to figure out tonight.

Obviously, I can't do this forever. Moping around until I find it in me to call up some girl just to lead her on for an evening before leaving in my inability to function on normal dates anymore. You wouldn't think it wouldn't be all that difficult, dating. But I've been with Jade for five years. I don't know how to date someone different from her. And there is nobody like her.

Perhaps it should concern me that I am so used to the dysfunction I had with Jade that I'm not sure how to handle a situation in which each day is not an uphill battle. Granted, I haven't really given anyone else a fair chance in a long time. There was never a reason to. I had Jade, and she was enough. She was always enough. Then something changed, and tonight I need to figure out what. Then maybe I can work on moving on.

With this in mind, I pop a squat beside Kevin Tran: Brother, Son, Man of God, and settle in for the long haul.

* * *

><p>A lot of time goes by. I'm not sure how much, but the sun is starting to rise when I get back in the car to drive home. I really haven't figured out much of anything except I wish Kevin Tran wasn't dead, and I wish I hadn't let Jade leave. But I feel like maybe that's enough. If want for Jade is all I know for sure, then maybe that's what I should fix, if I can. As for Kevin, man of God, I'm thinking maybe he's happy up in Heaven.<p>

* * *

><p>Jade<p>

I throw up the next morning, which just seems wrong. I hardly had two sips of beer! I shouldn't have to deal with the hangover without even drinking enough to take the edge off! Yet here I am, on the bathroom floor for Puking My Guts Out, Reprise. What a catchy tune.

To her credit, my mom nudges the door open and comes in wielding water and a cool washcloth that she places on my forehead. It doesn't occur to me until I'm tucked back into bed with a trashcan, a glass of ginger ale and a pack of saltines that it's been a long time since someone's taken care of me. Mostly, that's because I do NOT get sick, but also because if I am sick, I'm usually hiding from everyone so I can keep the disgustingness of being sick to myself. In my weakened state, my mother has managed to violate this principle.

I guess she'll take what she can get from me.

Wow, maybe I really am as bad as everyone says.

* * *

><p>I know, I know, it was pretty painful, but I'm working on it. Also, if you caught the Supernatural reference, just know that we are instant friends.<p> 


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